My friends keep telling me how courageous Ive been by calling the police, by standing up for myself when a man recently assaulted me but I keep asking myself how come it doesnt feel right then: I am the one who had to fight with the Council to be re-housed with my daughter, I am the one who stopped getting benefits, I am the one who struggle sometimes to remember that it will be ok… And why does it still hurt ??
For so long I lived my life only feeling anger…apart from that I was pretty much numb.
It’s only for the last few years I’ve discovered what Love is…
Before that I thought I knew what it was but, really, I didn’t.
As a child, the people I loved the most were the one who hurted the most…so I learned not to feel that love for them.
So, growing up, loving someone went hand in hand with being hurt, with burying my feelings and pretending I didn’t feel anything and, on top of that, getting really angry.
Growing, each time I felt myself falling on Love, it meant I was in trouble and then it became easier just to be on my own…
As I wrote few days ago, Ive met someone and I was surprised how well I was doing…until I realised last week I was holding back not to get too carried away, not to feel too much, because I know from experience it doesn’t last forever…because, maybe, slowly, I am falling in love…
I heard this voice within me: “I love him” then a quick thought:”No you don’t, you like him!It isn’t love, it’s something else”. Then:”I don’t want to fall in love!”, “ Why?”The answer was: ”Because it hurts!” Ouch!
So I opened my heart to him… It was emotional, I was hiding under my duvet!! We were on the phone but I still wanted to hide!!
Since we’ve spoke I decided to allow myself to feel whatever is growing within me and to get used to it….and when I am ready I share it all,hopefully, I won’t be hiding !!!
It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.
Eartha Kitt (via dowhatyoulike)
After 4 years and an half, I am surprisng myself by letting someone new into my life.
During all those years, I fell in love once, I had one kiss, and I had one night…but i alwayd made sure not to get too close…uncousciously I made sure I only met unavailable guys… I was so scared to get hurt again…I was also waiting to for my life and for myself to be perfect… And I wanted to heal completly first and I wanted to meet the perfect guy too…
Few weeks ago, I met someone new, my life is upside down, I am not feeling my best all the time but it’s ok…I also realised he doesnt have to be perfect either:I see him as he is and not as I want him to be by projecting any fairy tale on him!
I dont have to be perfect and to lead a perfect life because I like him and I want to see him again…I dont really know why but it feels right… I dont really feel nervous, I dont ask myself all the questions I normally ask myself…it just feels right… I dont even go crazy trying to guess where this is going…It just feels right…
So,I say yes to this new person…
The poster reads:
1 in 6 males are sexually abused before age 18 - far more than are at risk for diabetes (1 in 10) or heart disease (1 in 8).
At 8 I became a statistic - at 30 I became a survivor. (Most male survivors take at least 20 years to begin healing - if they ever do)
For 22 years I lived in silence. Now I want the world to know - what happened to me can happen to anyone. Both the abuse and the healing.
www.malesurvivor.org // @malesurvivorORG on Twitter
“For every 100 friends you have on Facebook, 15-20 (at least) are survivors of sexual abuse.”
Photographed in New York City on June 2nd.
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View submissions here
I wanted to reblog these pictures to remind me how well Ive done for the last few years.
Pictures by Gilead Gilmore
I want to remind myself I am beautiful…
Yesterday I was telling my friend how I was feeling about myself after the assault and there is still a part of me that feels violated…
We went dancing and a guy approached us, I didnt like his attitude and I was trying to push him away…
This morning I tried to look at my body but couldnt look at my bum…
A few years ago,Ive done this exercise of massaging and thanking one part of my body for a week. It took me a while to cover every bits (and I mean every bits!!) of me! And I really started to love myself!!! Maybe it’s time to do that again!!!
I havent been on my blog for a very long time…
I am coming back today because recently someone has touched in a very inappriate way. I can’t go into too much details about this assault because the police is involved but I just want to share here the impact it has on me.
The first two weeks, I was in shock and I was very sad and distraught… I didnt want to stay home as I didnt feel safe, so my daughter and I stayed at our friend’s.
I have known my friend for 4/5 years and we met while living in a hostel with our daughters and we became really good friends, she has always welcomed us in time of crisis and I am again so gratefull and so touched by her unconditional love.
Another friend of mine truly helped me to give phone calls, trying to find a new home…and then with her partner, they put two pad locks on the door, cleaned the flat, and bought some beautiful new bed sheets for a new start…Again I was touched beyond any words!!!
I have regained my spiritual and emotional strenght. I meditate and chant daily, I communicate with my Archangels and the Ascended Masters…I take actions and then rest and praise myself for everything I achieve every day.
This situation brought back to the surface a lot of emtions regarding my past obviously… Such as me starting to hate my Bum…My friend told me:”You have a lovely bum!!” I replied:”Yes, I know. It isnt the problem it just seemed to always put me in trouble with those guys staring at it and touching it!!” She made me tell my bum” I love you!!” I did but somewhere I am not comfortable with it anymore…Yesterday, I was wearing a dress and my cleavage was showing a bit and I felt very conscious of it…It didnt feel right… And I dont want any men to approach me at the moment. in the street or anywhere else!
I am also dealing with moving home soon…When the local Council told me that my Daughter and I could end up in an hostel I fell into a total despair… I saw us back 4 years ago in that horrible place… I felt like a failure as a mother: I cant provide for my Daughter…forgetting I didnt choose to be in this situation in the first place…
Again I had to deal with people’s ignorance about abuse. I heard:”On the scale of things He didnt do much…” “Maybe he didnt mean it sexually!!” “he did it because he could feel how vulnerable you were…” Those are some of the hurtful things people told me;they were hurtful because these words were minimising my experience!!!
So to set the record straight:
There isnt any scale to evaluate sexual abuse!!!!
If someone touches you (even for one second) in a inapropiate place, it is sexual abuse and it is a step too far. Someone making you watch something of a sexual nature, is abuse. Someone watching you in a dirty way is sexual abuse… It takes one second to violate someone else!!
It doent matter if you are vulnerable or strong or whatever, nobody should never touch you without your consent!!
People react to difficult situations in different ways depending of their life’s experiences and respect and sensitivity are important!!! If something happens to soemone and it has a huge impact on that person, it is real and it counts!!!!
I also got to know who were my friends and who werent…who were able to support us or not…And sometimes it hurts!
But I now focuse on the Love and on the support I get for which I am grateful every moment of my days.
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